Sue St.Clair and Matthew Didier's Paranormal Blog

Many years ago, I heard something that made a lot of sense to me.

One of the Apollo astronauts, I've forgotten which one, was asked if NASA was hiding information pertaining to the existence of extra-terrestrial life. Without missing a beat, this fellow replied that he found that unlikely, because if they had found something, they'd trumpet it from the hilltops because it would mean a massive increase in funding.

This makes sense... whether you believe it or not... I will admit that I actually do believe that NASA is not hiding any evidence... but that is an opinion.

Now, allow me to move into what might seem like a non-sequitur...

Recently, I had a scare. One Thursday morning, very recently, I was en route to work when I felt a strange feeling in my chest. It wasn't painful, but more like a severe case of butterflies combined with a bit of light-headedness. I assume I treated it like anyone... ignored it... hoped it would pass... and pressed on with life. I worked my job that day, and the next day, all the time feeling "jittery" and feeling my pulse race... but again, I just thought it might be a "bug" or something.

Finally, on Sunday, I took my family to the Canadian National Exhibition... not for rides and games so much, but because they have a plethora of deep-discount warehouse shops during the event, and it saves a tonne in "back to school" expenses. While Sue and the young'un were shopping, I sat down... and became increasingly faint... started to sweat... and within a couple of hours and four "stores", I had the rather disconcerting experience of almost passing out and doing a "face plant" into a metal barrier outside one of these warehouse outlets... and asked Sue to help me to the doctor's at St. Joseph's Hospital in Toronto's West end.

Sue rushed me in to the hospital very concerned for me and despite my protestations of needing nothing more than a "once over" in a clinic, I was taken to the emergency room... and from there, quickly taken into the cardiac ward... and within minutes was hooked up to an electrocardiogram (ECG) with a blood pressure unit having full blood work done in the resuscitation room... it was almost bewildering, and rather quietly scary.

In the end, I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation... which, thankfully, is a long way from fatal if caught and treated... but because of my stupid "working through it" for a few days, they cannot treat it as normal (for fear of blood clots in my heart,) so instead of those paddles you see on TV (which they use in these cases to stop then re-set the heart,) I was eased into a slower heart rate with medication. To sum up, I'm still fibrillating while writing this... and my doctor has wryly told me to "Not Play Hockey" for the next little while (must keep the blood pressure and heart rate down,) and make some serious changes to my lifestyle... which I have. I see the cardiologist for further treatment in nine days from today.

Like I said, a little scary... and very much like a formal dress rehearsal for an event that I'd sooner not take part in... at least not yet... and to be frank, being in a hospital, in a gown, lying in a bed near the forms for my loved ones to fill out, "just in case", for my organs to be donated should the worst happen while being mildly (very gently) verbally spanked by the nurse for not coming in earlier for treatment is bad... Having all these done while Sue and the kid are watching was worse in some ways... not for me, but for Sue.

Before diagnosis, my mind had little option than remembering me, at the age of seventeen, watching my father pass away from a massive heart attack... and as such, here I was... in a similar room to the last one I saw him in before the funeral. He was already gone, unhooked from the machines, the tube still in his mouth... and here I was...

...and looking at the foot of the bed, being very conscious and alert while these tragic memories streamed into my head, I was seeing Sue looking at me... visibly worried... and I kept thinking about how I could keep her from having that same vision save me instead of my dad... and how very much I felt like a slab of meat on that bed, not because of my treatment (which was fantastic and super-quick on the part of the hospital,) but because of the lack of control over my fate.

I tried to crack as many jokes as possible... and stay light-hearted... and make Sue aware of the wonderful science at work... and how the staff didn't seem all too worried once they were lowering my heart rate. For her part, she kept a brave face... often saying if bad things might come, I was in the best place for them to happen.

Thankfully, as stated, I never did lose consciousness... and I am okay... and my illness is not "terminal" by a long shot... and even now is simply mildly annoying (no stamina sucks!)... so all that drama above was for not... still experienced and "real", but the anguish over it was unneeded.

Moving forward, thanks to some family and friends, word had quickly spread that I was in the hospital for a heart problem... so, being a thoroughly modern guy, I updated my Facebook status to let everyone know that I was home and "okay"... and even did a post on the PSICAN message board... trying to be my traditional self cracking the joke that the event proved without doubt that I was human and, contrary to some beliefs, had a heart... and it occasionally misbehaved!

People were genuinely nice and messaging me wishing me well, offering their own stories, and generally being caring...

NOW, off on a another seeming non-sequitur...

A few months back I was cruising some "paranormal" message boards... now, I don't often brag, but I will say this... I am, if nothing else, often spoken of and quoted in and around the realm of paranormal investigation, which is really nice... well, most of the time... and in this one case, I had to giggle...

The person was complaining that I was thwarting their work in Ontario and "keeping back" information and contacts so they couldn't be wahoo ghost hunters. (Betwix me and thee, I have references that will back up what I'm about to say and if you haven't read my stuff, allow me to elucidate... I often give any information I can to those who ask within legal abilities... and have several documents on starting... and I do believe there's always room for new folks at the "paranormal table", so to speak... ALSO, looking through my back e-mail, I'd never received anything from this fellow... not one note... no e-mail... no posting to our message board... nothing. He had DECIDED that this was the case, without trying to ask... take this as you will.)

Well, after giggling a bit with Sue about this posting, I changed my Facebook status to something like...

Matthew James Didier has come to the sad realisation that if he were to die in the near future, there would be people in the paranormal community who'd be angry with him for withholding his new-found knowledge of what happens after death and blame him for his lack of papers, articles, and communication post-mortem on his selfish need to keep this information to himself for his own nefarious plans!

I'm guessing on reading this, you know where I'm heading with this post...

...because... cut back to the present day...

I had a "friend" on Facebook... which, to be honest, I really didn't know that well. I actually am pretty stingy with friend requests as I really use Facebook for family, good friend, and work communications only... Oh, there is a PSICAN Facebook group and if someone needed to pick my brain, that's the best location to do so... but when I first started, I was a little less discriminating and let bloggers and acquaintances "friend" me... not a horrible thing... but this "friend" I'm about to speak of was part of that first group.

Other than seeing her occasional Farmville posts and the like, I really hadn't heard from her (ever)... but after my run-in with the hospital, she sent me a message through Facebook asking about my hospital visit and more specifically, "What was it like?"

Now, this wasn't uncommon... many people were contacting me asking about things... so I took it as nothing more than somewhere between Are you okay? to I'm concerned because you're my age and... or the like... which was again, not out of the ordinary after all was said and done.

My response was short, but succinct... "Scary." (with a "happy face" emoticon or smilie tacked on... as much as one can do with only text options available...)

She responded a day later asking me again what it was like... Now, I was STILL assuming this was the equivalent of I've gone through something similar and want to know what your experience was like? or that type of thought...

So I responded... very nuts and bolts about what happened. To be honest, you reading the above know more that I told her! I went through the "butterflies" in my chest, the fainting spell, being in the hospital, being cardioverted via drugs (medicated to slow my heart,) and that was it. Nuts and bolts... oh, and I let her know that I was awake, conscious, not in pain, a little frightened, and cracking jokes through the whole experience... That was all.

Well, I found out quickly what she meant...

...and remember the story about my Facebook status... about how if I died, people would be grumpy?

She let me know that she *knew* I was "holding back"... and that I was not "acknowledging the truth"... and then went on to tell me how bad I was for not being forthcoming about my NDE or "Near Death Experience" and letting people know that the beyond the veil was a wonderful place.

She wanted me to tell you all about the marvellous white light, seeing my loved ones to help me through it, and all those good things... and, to be honest, came across as rather cross with me that I had withheld and refused to let people know about my wonderful experience. I was, in essence, keeping you all in the dark and that made her wonder what my evil motives MIGHT be for holding back such glorious stuff...

...only one problem...

...as you now know...

My NDE she feels I had? The light? The tunnel? My ancestors and loved one's coming for me?

It never happened.

I never completely lost consciousness. I didn't "flat-line". I didn't temporarily die.

In honesty, despite my worries... despite my internal fears... despite seeing the word "IRREGULAR" flashing across the ECG monitor while I was on it right to the very end... there wasn't much to report... at least, in terms of "The Other Side" in any way, shape, or form.

Now, remember my story about the Apollo astronaut?

If you have read any of my work, you know that a big issue for me is the lack of respect, proper attention, and funding our studies get...

If I ever did have an NDE (classical or otherwise,) you may take my word... you'd know about it.

I'd try very hard to tell you all NOTHING more than what I experienced as "raw data"... Sort of like, I saw this. I experienced this sensation. I heard this. without hypothesis as to causation, without taint... and YES, I would be open to all possible hypothesis as to these event's causation... including it was all imaginary...

...because, honestly, that's what I am. I want the truth... hard facts... empirical answers... not conjecture.

I expect that from others, I expect that from myself, even to my own questions.

I do feel there's enough data to make the idea of something surviving bodily death worth examining... and genuine study... and if I thought I had relevant data on anything, I would share it with everyone... and let everybody poke at it.

I don't.

Not yet.

Anyway, there's another lesson here too... because I defriended this person on Facebook... not because of her zealous belief... not because of her distrust of my answers (God knows there's more than a few who still think I'm doing this for some sort of "angle" for personal gain or the like.)... but because it was a personal thing... and even *IF* I did have any experience, which I honestly didn't, shouldn't it be up to me to decide when/how I'd bring it to you?

As stated, the evidence is there to prove there isn't a "tale to tell" with this incident (re: my opening bit about NASA,) but if there was, and considering my family was involved... intimately... through all parts... is it anyone's right or even privilege to demand my absolute obedience in publicly telling all?

Here's a tip to anyone taking the Torontoghosts/Ontarioghosts exam... There's an "automatic fail" question... and it's about ethics and morality when dealing with a personal case... If you answer it with guns blazing demanding to "know more" or to immediately start investigating the case without pause to ensure everyone's ready to move forward with an examination of things (especially those intimately involved) and handling the whole situation (regardless) with tact and decorum, instant fail. I don't want you on my team. You will upset our witnesses and cause trouble.... and without witnesses, we're nothing.

If we can't work with people... or people feel they can't trust us with their information... what good are we?

It was interesting to be on the other end of that... having someone thumping ME for my information (faulty as they had it,) to be made very public... it made me glad of our strict stance.

Rule One in PSICAN... since day one... The safety, security, and general comfort level of a witness must come first.

...and sorry folks... I am still alive... and not under any major threat of "pining for the fjords" in the days to come... and no, I do not have any personal evidence of "life after death" that has been hidden away for any reason.

Worse yet for some people... I'm probably going to come out of this 100% okay... meaning, no, I won't be stopping my work and efforts anytime soon.

Addendum: Some people have promises made to loved ones or the like that we will try to come back après-mort and give some sort of message to let whoever's behind know that they're okay, (most famously, Harry Houdini is said to have expressed a message, "Rosabelle believe.", that he would deliver to his wife should he pre-decease her,) and history is replete with "ghosts" that have made some sort of contact...

Me... should I become a "disembodied spirit"?

Well...

I have a lot of dates to keep post-mortem personally thanks to my younger years... and if there was anything "recent", it would be strictly between Sue and myself... and probably not available for the masses... but when I die many, many years from now, if Sue suddenly kicks-up her efforts into ghosts and hauntings, that might be a clue.

So please, do not attempt to contact me... If I have something to say, I'll contact you...

...and Sue has promised that if I pre-decease her and she's pestered by anyone for an update on my life after death in any fashion, then she will become violent... with my personal blessing... pre, and I'm certain, post my demise!